The question of being our full selves...

Part of my choice to live simply is to have the space and time to work on a book project. I originally thought I’d leave my job, do some contract work on the side and get writing! I’m slowly learning that the creative process is wholly different from anything I’ve done before and that it’s a balancing act; contract work with the art of writing.

It was a little embarrassing how much time I needed to rest and recover from my previous job. Part of my being so depleted was that I had accepted the demand to do the work of two employees in running a national project and another part of it was the experience of working as a younger Disabled Mestiza (Mexican, indigenous, white) in an organization of non-disabled mostly older white women. As I work on this book around self-care for people doing social change/activist work, I’ve found myself coming across the question again and again; how important is it exactly to be your full self in the work you do? This is beyond not feeling comfortable to share political beliefs or family dynamics in the workplace. This is literally the expectation of communicating in certain ways, or approaching conflict in a certain way. 

I’m not sure if I’d even have examples of this if I weren’t married to a white man from the Midwest. Through doing our own work over many years to understand our cultural differences and perspectives, we’ve come up with ways to understand each other better. For example, our cultural understanding of respect is very different. In Latino culture, generally if you respect someone then you tell that person what you think/feel, even if they happen to be your superior. If you do not respect someone, then you politely nod or whatever, you don’t share. Generally, in white culture, my partner has helped me understand that respect is equal to being polite. Not sharing your views or opinions is respectful, that you would share your opinions or thoughts (especially with superiors) only if you had no respect for them.

A second example is how to best say “thank-you”. Generally in Latino culture it’s not just saying “thank-you” that’s important, but also the sharing the story. So if someone gives you a bowl, it is important to not just say, “Thanks” but to also share how the bowl was used and maybe even how using the bowl made you feel. My partner has explained that generally in white Midwest culture, saying “thank-you” is sufficient, that sharing the story can often make people defensive, like, “Why wouldn’t they do _X__ for you” or “Why are you making such a big deal out of a bowl?”  

A third example is around communicating in groups. When my family and friends first met my partner, they kept asking me what was wrong, why was he so quiet? When I asked my partner, he said, “Cause I don’t know when to talk!” We generally have at least 3 conversations going at once (both listening to and contributing in), and we can be loud, talking over music, cooking, etc. With my partner I had to learn how to let him talk through a thought, for us to talk one at a time and on only one subject. I do this to varying degrees of success and he tries to own his privilege that we as a society work from his comfort zone.

Obviously, these differences can cross cultures, but my partner who has moved to the Southwest from the Midwest often thanks me for our work to understand cultural differences between us, as he is then able to do his job working with Latino folks in a more consistently respectful way.

These examples, along with others we’ve learned, have helped my partner and I be more equitable in the cultural ways we interact. However, I’m left with the question of what’s right for me with the activist work I am committed to. I spent many years learning the hard way different cultural ways to act, to be “professional” (often what’s comfortable for white/dominant culture) and then only acting myself with friends and family. How much do we risk to be who we are? This question is essential to self-care especially for people of color involved in social change work.

It is always a huge risk for me to act natural, from my comfort zone, especially because I have light skin and can look white. It confuses white people why I’m acting so “weird” (while also giving me privilege that others don’t have to get in the door). When I have tried to risk bringing my whole self into the work I do I’ve faced a high cost, which I feel like now I am only beginning to understand. Some of things I’ve observed are; sometimes I am straight up ignored, people on a committee will joke and laugh with me, but not take my suggestions seriously, and my asking questions seems to be a quick way to give any power away. I’m usually the “only one” of something, be it Latina (their recognized term, I use Mestiza) or Disabled, in a group. I can’t count the number of times, from committee meetings, to planning meetings, to staff meetings, that I have suggested something and people have ignored it and then later in the conversation, someone else suggests the same thing and people think they are brilliant. I’m often confused by concepts, like “wearing different hats” that people discuss as a way to manage doing things they actually disagree with and when I refuse to go against something based on principle (even when I offer to compromise) I’m treated like someone who then never needs support or grace.

There is more to this that I long to unlock. I feel like I’m grasping at something with the tips of my fingers. That if I could just dig deep enough, there might be a tool that one could use to negotiate with. As activists or people who work for social change, we all have examples of excluding pieces of who we are to come together to make “change” happen, but especially in activist communities where diversity is said to be appreciated, what ways have people or organizations found work for people to be their full selves?

If you have a good story you’d like to share about the practice of being your “full self” in the work you do for the upcoming book on activism and self-care, I’d love to hear from you!  

  

Peanut Butter goes with everything…

We’ve been trying to keep up with eating all of the vegies we get from the CSA (Community Supported Agriculture), which when you get 7 big bushels of greens and some radishes it can be a challenge to eat it all in a week. I’ve become aware of just how restricted our diets have really become when I’m lucky to know the name of 2 of the 7 greens, it’s led to some adventures in cooking, that’s for sure.

We’ve always had a pretty high value diet, but with the CSA, the quantity of vegetables we’ve been trying to eat in a week has increased. When buying from the store, you’ll buy variety versus quantity, but investing in the CSA is a commitment to eating with the seasons, eating what can be grown locally and usually getting a lot of one kind of thing.    

We’ve been making soups and throwing in whole bushels of greens. The plus is that if you have really strong tasting greens then the taste is mellowed out by the boiling, the minus is that you lose out of a good chunk of the nutrients. I had some success with making a stir-fry and including a bushel of greens, but as the months have passed I have to admit I’ve gotten a little over confident. The other night I decided to make a stir-fry with mustard greens, radishes and a couple of potatoes we has left over from the week before. I threw in garlic (something we store buy) and then proceeded to throw in the rest of the ingredients. Our big discovery with cooking vegies is to throw in something rich to make it a more filling meal (so you’re not getting hungry later). This can be things like coconut milk or peanut butter, and what doesn’t go well with peanut butter!? Umm, well apparently mustard greens. My partner and I laughed as we tried to chew and swallow the think prickly leaves of mustard greens. The peanut butter was like the disappointing lollypop after the doctor gives you a series of shots. It did not make it into the culinary masterpiece I had hoped for. So, I guess peanut butter doesn’t go well with everything... Let me know if you have a good recipe for strong tasting greens. We could use the advice. :-)

Powerful Community

Something out there must enjoy drenching my life in irony.

I was asked to give a presentation this week on creating a powerful community and this also happened to be a week were I had a lot of hurt feelings concerning community.

 

It’s hard to know how to hold communities accountable to the individual. The excluding or “owning” of ideas, basically choosing individual power over collective power-sharing, makes resentment and hurt alive and vivid in any community. Especially when community building spans a continent, it can be a hot mess in a minute. While I struggle with my emotions, I know my heart needs to choose what to be “for” something instead of being angry, petty, or seeking to “get them back”.

Choosing to be “for” something often feels like the harder choice for me. I am good at fighting for what I believe in, but in my experience, choosing to be against something can get people impassioned for a while, but it doesn’t sustain a movement or an individual (or me).

As I contemplate an action that speaks to my truth, I’ll share the points I made for creating a powerful community.

  I’ve found that there are 3 techniques when woven together create a strong and powerful group.

Always, always, always start where you are. If you don’t have the perfect Board of Directors or group of volunteers – start anyway. If things fall apart – start where you are.

Ask questions of the group – Do people understand the cultural context that we do our work in? (For example, Do they understand how disability fits in with their own identity and culture?)

In order to create social change for others, people have to understand themselves and understand how their experience relates with other people’s experiences. This happens best when people learn and grow together.

The second strand or technique is that once people understand themselves, they can shift to owning collective power. Collective power is all about helping people understand not just what they have a right to, but what they are responsible for.

Ask the group – How do we be responsible for being allies to others? Do we know enough about gender issues or racism? Would learning about how social privilege works or other issues be helpful?

Could we show up in support of another groups action? When people feel responsible to others after having a chance to connect and grow – they become a powerful entity.

The third strand, which I think is the most important, is to make sure there are lots of ways to have fun together!! Acknowledging that people in this work need time to reflect and relax will help a group trust you, themselves and each other.

When woven together people become ready to frame the work they want to do and powerful enough to do it.

  

Creative Fun

A little creativity can go a long way! As a disability activist, I’ve spent a lot of time and energy figuring out how to be creative to deal with barriers and even people’s attitudes. This kind of creativity can drain my energy fast. That’s why it’s also important to find creative ways that give me energy too.  

One of my favorite things about living more simply is getting creative to have fun or express gratitude or love.

For Christmas we saved glass bottles for months and bought a can of backboard spray-paint. We then tapped off a section on the glass, sprayed it the section and the lid. We then filled the jar with homemade, vegan granola. Then when people had enjoyed the granola they could then re-use the jar for left-overs or other items and label it.  If they used it for leftovers, they could label it with the date it was made.

 Then, what to do with the left over spray-paint you might ask? We have an outdoor plastic table we found at a local thrift store. We decided to paint the top with spray-paint. My niece almost exploded with excitement to spend time drawing all over the table!

My grown-up friends loved it too. I mean, who doesn’t like to doodle and make their mark. My partner and I have enjoyed leaving each other messages, both sweet and funny. Who knew one can of spray-paint could provide hundreds of hours of fun!    

The transition to living simply

Living simply is a commitment. It is a commitment to yourself and the world. And while I love lofty ideals, I’ve found that “living simply” on a day to day level is also about the less glamorous reality of commitment to patience, perseverance and creativity.

YES Magazine recently did a whole issue on the new “Do-It-Yourself” economy. As I read through it, I realized that without knowing it, my partner and I had joined a movement. We had decided to try and commit to a new way of living. I had recently quit my job as a Project Director of a National youth project to write a book on self-care for people doing social change work. My partner agreed to hold down a job (and healthcare), while I did year or two of unpaid work on writing the book.

Before we knew it, we were off on a new adventure. Being Disabled activists, we both deeply believed in living interdependently, and asking for help didn’t scare either of us. However, we were totally unprepared for the reactions of friends and family to the level of understanding we were now asking of them. My partner and I come from very different economic backgrounds. Choosing to live on the bare minimum seemed to puzzle everyone we loved, but for different reasons.  It was an adjustment for some family and acquaintances to understand our choosing heart over security. Presents to family and friends were fewer, or handmade. We needed to plan ahead to eat out and weren’t able to just go out on a whim. Travel and big expenditures became almost extinct. It has been an adjustment, but we are committed to getting creative.

My partner and I also had a hard time adjusting to what we now expected of each other. I, feminist to the heart, reacted in a big way to some of our family’s assumptions that I was supposed to be spending my time cooking and cleaning and “providing for my man”. Some family members just couldn’t understand why the house was still messy or certain tasks weren’t completed in time. It really drove home for me how much doing work that was unpaid, like writing a book, was almost unseen or was hard for folks to relate to. Despite other people’s assumptions and my own reactions, my partner and I really did want to commit to living more sustainably. We signed up for the local Community Supported Agriculture (CSA), splitting a share with extended family and all of a sudden we had to really think about how to cook and make a week’s worth of meals out of 6 different kinds of greens. We came to the conclusion that we really did need to readjust some of our roles. Because my schedule was more flexible, I could research what to cook or plan out, for example, homemade gifts. We still split most household responsibilities, yet I needed to emotionally get over my stuff about taking on the more traditionally female household chores.    

The thing I was most left with after reading that issue of YES, was, “I want to hear more!” I wanted to hear about and share day to day experiences about living a more simple life. How others are choosing to do what feels right to their heart and for the environment. What it is like for all of us making this choice to let ingrained ideas of success and security go…. Hopefully this blog can become one of the many community spaces to do so.