Part of my choice to live simply is to have the space and time to work on a book project.
I originally thought I’d leave my job, do some contract work on the side and
get writing! I’m slowly learning that the creative process is wholly different
from anything I’ve done before and that it’s a balancing act; contract work
with the art of writing.
It was a little
embarrassing how much time I needed to rest and recover from my previous job.
Part of my being so depleted was that I had accepted the demand to do the work
of two employees in running a national project and another part of it was the
experience of working as a younger Disabled Mestiza (Mexican, indigenous, white) in an organization of
non-disabled mostly older white women. As I work on this book around self-care
for people doing social change/activist work, I’ve found myself coming across
the question again and again; how important is it exactly to be your full self
in the work you do? This is beyond not feeling comfortable to share political
beliefs or family dynamics in the workplace. This is literally the expectation
of communicating in certain ways, or approaching conflict in a certain
way.
I’m not sure if
I’d even have examples of this if I weren’t married to a white man from the
Midwest. Through doing our own work over many years to understand our cultural
differences and perspectives, we’ve come up with ways to understand each other
better. For example, our cultural understanding of respect is very different.
In Latino culture, generally if you respect someone then you tell that person
what you think/feel, even if they happen to be your superior. If you do not
respect someone, then you politely nod or whatever, you don’t share. Generally,
in white culture, my partner has helped me understand that respect is equal to
being polite. Not sharing your views or opinions is respectful, that you would
share your opinions or thoughts (especially with superiors) only if you had no
respect for them.
A second example
is how to best say “thank-you”. Generally in Latino culture it’s not just
saying “thank-you” that’s important, but also the sharing the story. So if
someone gives you a bowl, it is important to not just say, “Thanks” but to also
share how the bowl was used and maybe even how using the bowl made you feel. My
partner has explained that generally in white Midwest culture, saying
“thank-you” is sufficient, that sharing the story can often make people
defensive, like, “Why wouldn’t they do _X__ for you” or “Why are you making
such a big deal out of a bowl?”
A third example
is around communicating in groups. When my family and friends first met my
partner, they kept asking me what was wrong, why was he so quiet? When I asked
my partner, he said, “Cause I don’t know when
to talk!” We generally have at least 3 conversations going at once (both
listening to and contributing in), and we can be loud, talking over music, cooking,
etc. With my partner I had to learn how to let him talk through a thought, for
us to talk one at a time and on only one subject. I do this to varying degrees
of success and he tries to own his privilege that we as a society work from his
comfort zone.
Obviously, these
differences can cross cultures, but my partner who has moved to the Southwest
from the Midwest often thanks me for our work to understand cultural
differences between us, as he is then able to do his job working with Latino
folks in a more consistently respectful way.
These examples,
along with others we’ve learned, have helped my partner and I be more equitable
in the cultural ways we interact. However, I’m left with the question of what’s
right for me with the activist work I am committed to. I spent many years
learning the hard way different cultural ways to act, to be “professional”
(often what’s comfortable for white/dominant culture) and then only acting
myself with friends and family. How much do we risk to be who we are? This
question is essential to self-care especially for people of color involved in
social change work.
It is always a
huge risk for me to act natural, from my comfort zone, especially because I
have light skin and can look white. It confuses white people why I’m acting so
“weird” (while also giving me privilege that others don’t have to get in the
door). When I have tried to risk bringing my whole self into the work I do I’ve
faced a high cost, which I feel like now I am only beginning to understand. Some
of things I’ve observed are; sometimes I am straight up ignored, people on a
committee will joke and laugh with me, but not take my suggestions seriously, and
my asking questions seems to be a quick way to give any power away. I’m usually
the “only one” of something, be it Latina (their recognized term, I use Mestiza) or Disabled, in a group. I can’t
count the number of times, from committee meetings, to planning meetings, to staff
meetings, that I have suggested something and people have ignored it and then
later in the conversation, someone else suggests the same thing and people
think they are brilliant. I’m often confused by concepts, like “wearing
different hats” that people discuss as a way to manage doing things they
actually disagree with and when I refuse to go against something based on
principle (even when I offer to compromise) I’m treated like someone who then
never needs support or grace.
There is more to
this that I long to unlock. I feel like I’m grasping at something with the tips
of my fingers. That if I could just dig deep enough, there might be a tool that
one could use to negotiate with. As activists or people who work for social
change, we all have examples of excluding pieces of who we are to come together
to make “change” happen, but especially in activist communities where diversity
is said to be appreciated, what ways have people or organizations found work
for people to be their full selves?
If you have a
good story you’d like to share about the practice of being your “full self” in
the work you do for the upcoming book on activism and self-care, I’d love to
hear from you!
